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If Satan opened HECK, a not quite Hellish region of the afterlife, what would it be like?

The_RivThe_Riv Shipmate
in The Circus
Recently, I saw a version of this on a social media platform, and thought it might be fun to flesh-out in here:

Bored with run-o'-the-mill eternal torment, weeping and gnashing of teeth, Satan opens HECK, a new region of the afterlife that's not at all Heavenly, but not quite Hell. Our task is to develop its environs, parameters, population, etc.

So, what would it be like?! NOTE: this is not intended as a theological issue to be argued. I know there are as many ideas/positions about Satan and Hell on Ship as there are posters. This is a thought experiment Game, so please play along.

The simple baseline is that Heaven and Hell exist, and Heck has been dropped somewhere in between. Go!
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Comments

  • sionisaissionisais Shipmate
    There would be central heating, but no air conditioning.
  • HarryCHHarryCH Shipmate
    I think we have had a thread like this before.
  • SipechSipech Shipmate
    sionisais wrote: »
    There would be central heating, but no air conditioning.
    That's pretty much every home in the UK.
  • sionisaissionisais Shipmate
    Sipech wrote: »
    sionisais wrote: »
    There would be central heating, but no air conditioning.
    That's pretty much every home in the UK.

    We also have the Reform Party, and so long as they do not form a government, we live in Heck.

  • Lamb ChoppedLamb Chopped Shipmate
    Light would exist, but be just dim enough to make you constantly squint.
  • quetzalcoatlquetzalcoatl Shipmate
    Everything would be pleasant.
    Lamb Chopped wrote: »
    Light would exist, but be just dim enough to make you constantly squint.

  • SipechSipech Shipmate
    Every restaurant menu would have all but one dish containing something you are allergic to.
  • Stercus TauriStercus Tauri Shipmate
    Lovely golf courses; the most perfect clubs you ever handled. No balls.
  • SandemaniacSandemaniac Shipmate
    The toaster would always have to be pushed down a second time, but would then burn your toast.
  • stetsonstetson Shipmate
    Regulation round-tipped pitchforks.
  • Lamb ChoppedLamb Chopped Shipmate
    Sporks.
  • sionisaissionisais Shipmate
    Sandemaniac wrote: »
    The toaster would always have to be pushed down a second time, but would then burn your toast.

    We are already in Heck ☹️

  • Amanda B ReckondwythAmanda B Reckondwyth Shipmate
    Three TV channels showing: (1) Non-stop political ads; (2) non-stop prescription drug ads; (3) non-stop Medicare Supplement Insurance ads.
  • Nick TamenNick Tamen Shipmate
    Amanda B Reckondwyth wrote: »
    Three TV channels showing: (1) Non-stop political ads; (2) non-stop prescription drug ads; (3) non-stop Medicare Supplement Insurance ads.
    Interrupted by the occasional ads for life insurance policies that will pay your funeral expenses. You cannot be turned down and tour premium will never change.

  • jedijudyjedijudy Heaven Host
    You have nice looking clothing, but it is all scratchy and uncomfortable.
  • mousethiefmousethief Shipmate
    Lamb Chopped wrote: »
    Sporks.

    No, that's Hell.
  • sionisaissionisais Shipmate
    Nick Tamen wrote: »
    Amanda B Reckondwyth wrote: »
    Three TV channels showing: (1) Non-stop political ads; (2) non-stop prescription drug ads; (3) non-stop Medicare Supplement Insurance ads.
    Interrupted by the occasional ads for life insurance policies that will pay your funeral expenses. You cannot be turned down and tour premium will never change.

    Hang on, if we are already in Heck, what’s the point of life assurance and especially funeral plans?
    Oh yes, Heck is essentially boring.

  • SipechSipech Shipmate
    Every time you touch anything wooden, no matter how polished or painted it is, you have a 15% chance of getting a splinter.
  • Amanda B ReckondwythAmanda B Reckondwyth Shipmate
    sionisais wrote: »
    Nick Tamen wrote: »
    Amanda B Reckondwyth wrote: »
    Three TV channels showing: (1) Non-stop political ads; (2) non-stop prescription drug ads; (3) non-stop Medicare Supplement Insurance ads.
    Interrupted by the occasional ads for life insurance policies that will pay your funeral expenses. You cannot be turned down and your premium will never change.

    Hang on, if we are already in Heck, what’s the point of life assurance and especially funeral plans?
    Oh yes, Heck is essentially boring.

    Because the policies are essentially worthless. For the premium quoted in the ad (typically $9.95 per month) you would not receive enough coverage to pay for your guests' condolence cards.
  • Nick TamenNick Tamen Shipmate
    sionisais wrote: »
    Nick Tamen wrote: »
    Amanda B Reckondwyth wrote: »
    Three TV channels showing: (1) Non-stop political ads; (2) non-stop prescription drug ads; (3) non-stop Medicare Supplement Insurance ads.
    Interrupted by the occasional ads for life insurance policies that will pay your funeral expenses. You cannot be turned down and tour premium will never change.
    Hang on, if we are already in Heck, what’s the point of life assurance and especially funeral plans
    There being no point is part of the Heck-ishness.


  • ChastMastrChastMastr Shipmate
    I am reminded of some parts (and it's a really good show I should go back and finish) of a TV series called The Good Place, though I won't include spoilers about when the Heck-ish place shows up in the series.
  • Jengie JonJengie Jon Shipmate
    Cool tea and coffee served
  • SipechSipech Shipmate
    Teabags are sold individually. You are not permitted to buy more than one per visit to the shop. Each shop visit has a two hour cooldown period.
  • DoublethinkDoublethink Admin, 8th Day Host
    Your mandatory training is always out of date.
  • BoogieBoogie Heaven Host
    No chocolate
  • RockyRogerRockyRoger Shipmate
    Your model aircraft always crash. No loose tea or coffee beans. Muzak everywhere. No cats, only smelly unhouse trained mutts. Endemic ED and no Viagra.
  • SipechSipech Shipmate
    All newspapers and news broadcasters use Comic Sans as their standard typeface.
  • Lamb ChoppedLamb Chopped Shipmate
    Your cards have always just expired, and the replacements have been lost in the mail.
  • Amanda B ReckondwythAmanda B Reckondwyth Shipmate
    And every ATM is always out of service.
  • SipechSipech Shipmate
    Amanda B Reckondwyth wrote: »
    And every ATM is always out of service.

    That's almost too inconvenient. I would argue that to be more heck-ish, all ATMs have a touch screen, where there's a small misalignment between the sensors and the display, so you click on 6 and then a 3 comes up instead.
  • Lamb ChoppedLamb Chopped Shipmate
    And there's a tall guy standing way too close to you, just behind.
  • Amanda B ReckondwythAmanda B Reckondwyth Shipmate
    Yes, I would agree. Or you key in $40 but only $10 comes out.

    I have a recurring dream where I am dialing a number on a Touch Tone phone but for some reason I can't manage to press the right buttons.

    Any route you wish to take is always under construction -- as are the suggested detours.
  • The_RivThe_Riv Shipmate
    Heck is the destination for people who sincerely believe their incessant, unfunny jokes are absolutely hilarious.
  • RockyRogerRockyRoger Shipmate
    The_Riv wrote: »
    Heck is the destination for people who sincerely believe their incessant, unfunny jokes are absolutely hilarious.

    Nope. It's too good for them!

    Reading the posts above I can't help thinking we are actually in Heck!
  • A Feminine ForceA Feminine Force Shipmate
    RockyRoger wrote: »
    Your model aircraft always crash. No loose tea or coffee beans. Muzak everywhere. No cats, only smelly unhouse trained mutts. Endemic ED and no Viagra.

    No cats? Automatically hell.

    Heck serves Heinz ketchup only in fully filled 12oz narrow neck glass bottles so that every time you want ketchup, you have to pound, tap and ultimately blurp an ungodly sized clot all over everything that didn't need it.

    AFF
  • KarlLBKarlLB Shipmate
    Sandemaniac wrote: »
    The toaster would always have to be pushed down a second time, but would then burn your toast.

    This world then?
  • Nick TamenNick Tamen Shipmate
    A Feminine Force wrote: »
    Heck serves Heinz ketchup only in fully filled 12oz narrow neck glass bottles so that every time you want ketchup, you have to pound, tap and ultimately blurp an ungodly sized clot all over everything that didn't need it.
    Alternatively, small packets of Heinz ketchup are available, but it takes 20 of those packets to get enough ketchup for your cold French fries.


  • EnochEnoch Shipmate
    Jengie Jon wrote: »
    Cool tea and coffee served
    And the beer is at room rather than cellar temperature, flat and just starting to go sour - or else is icily cold, and so fizzy that all you get is a head that goes all over the table, and won't settle.

  • stetsonstetson Shipmate
    Cerberus' counterpart would just be an especially annoying chihuahua.
  • Amanda B ReckondwythAmanda B Reckondwyth Shipmate
    And Charon's an obsequious, obnoxious railroad conductor.
  • PigletPiglet All Saints Host, Circus Host
    Boogie wrote: »
    No chocolate

    No - that's definitely Hell. :flushed:
  • Lamb ChoppedLamb Chopped Shipmate
    They give you the carob stuff.
  • SipechSipech Shipmate
    All battery compartments are sealed with a screw that can only be opened by those mini screwdrivers you get in Christmas crackers.
  • DoublethinkDoublethink Admin, 8th Day Host
    None of your raincoats are breathable.
  • sionisaissionisais Shipmate
    Sipech wrote: »
    All battery compartments are sealed with a screw that can only be opened by those mini screwdrivers you get in Christmas crackers.

    Again, we are already in Heck. We are grateful for these screwdrivers.

  • stetsonstetson Shipmate
    Amanda B Reckondwyth wrote: »
    And Charon's an obsequious, obnoxious railroad conductor.

    All ruled over by an angel who got kicked outta Heaven after asking for more leeway with the rules.
  • RockyRogerRockyRoger Shipmate
    Nick Tamen wrote: »
    A Feminine Force wrote: »
    Heck serves Heinz ketchup only in fully filled 12oz narrow neck glass bottles so that every time you want ketchup, you have to pound, tap and ultimately blurp an ungodly sized clot all over everything that didn't need it.
    Alternatively, small packets of Heinz ketchup are available, but it takes 20 of those packets to get enough ketchup for your cold French fries.


    Tangent alert: Mrs RR keeps the new sqeezy ketchup bottles in the fridge (necessary if there the 'low sugar' variety). But upside down. Husband takes out bottle, puts on dining table. Pause whilst food is readied. Bottle warms up. Air in it expands, creating pressure. Dinner ready. Husband sits down, lifts up lid of aforesaid ketchup bottle. I minor exposion of ketchup over .... well everything.
    Mrs RR now puts ketchup in a dish with a spoon for stupid husband. Peace reigns until I ask, 'where's the Brown sauce, dear'? 'In the fridge', she says ...... you can guess the rest.
  • EnochEnoch Shipmate
    edited June 20
    But in Heck all ketchup is still served in big plastic tomatoes that have years of ancient dried ketchup round the nozzle from never having been washed properly. All tables are surfaced with slightly slimy formica. There are tears in the coverings of all the seats. Coffee is always the cheapest sort of instant and tea is made by boiling reused tea bags in a kettle.

  • RockyRogerRockyRoger Shipmate
    Enoch wrote: »
    But in Heck all ketchup is still served in big plastic tomatoes that have years of ancient dried ketchup round the nozzle from never having been washed properly. All tables are surfaced with slightly slimy formica. There are tears in the coverings of all the seats. Coffee is always the cheapest sort of instant and tea is made by boiling reused tea bags in a kettle.

    Ah, happy days!
  • Nick TamenNick Tamen Shipmate
    😆 @RockyRoger!

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