If Satan opened HECK, a not quite Hellish region of the afterlife, what would it be like?

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Comments

  • KarlLBKarlLB Shipmate
    Burgers are too tall to eat and are all on brioche rolls.

    All full English breakfasts have tinned tomatoes on them
  • sionisaissionisais Shipmate
    KarlLB wrote: »
    Burgers are too tall to eat and are all on brioche rolls.

    All full English breakfasts have tinned tomatoes on them

    I have a thing about hand held food. Sandwiches were made for that, pork pies too but burgers and wraps are just too messy. All those Tex-Mex things similar.

    As for the “Full English Breakfast” I don’t like the term. It’s a fried breakfast. Ingredients are eggs, sausages, bacon, mushrooms, fried bread or re-fried potatoes (mash or boiled), black pudding or beans are optional. If you’re in Ireland white pudding is the thing.
    Just don’t call it a “Full……, Breakfast”. Or add chips.

  • That sounds like the meal known around here as the Scottish cardiac breakfast. It could well be the Heckish response to feeling peckish.
  • SipechSipech Shipmate
    On that theme of peckishness, in Heck, you have to physically assault a vending machine for it to actually dispense anything.
  • HarryCHHarryCH Shipmate
    Shoelaces always break after even an hour of use.
  • GwaiGwai Epiphanies Host
    Also all shoes give you blisters and don't fit well
  • RoseofsharonRoseofsharon Shipmate
    KarlLB wrote: »
    Burgers are too tall to eat and are all on brioche rolls.

    It is next to impossible to find a burger round here that is not on a Brioche roll. So many people say they hate them, so why do it?

    The good thing is that my health must benefit from me not being tempted by burgers!
  • SipechSipech Shipmate
    All passwords must be exactly 17 characters long, including upper case, lower case, numbers, punctuation and cannot include any recognisable words, so your only hope of remembering it is to write it down.
  • stetsonstetson Shipmate
    edited July 4
    Websites go back to confirming non-robotic status with those weirdly shaped combinations of letters that get more indecipherable the smarter the robots get over time.
  • EnochEnoch Shipmate
    edited July 4
    Sipech wrote: »
    On that theme of peckishness, in Heck, you have to physically assault a vending machine for it to actually dispense anything.
    And when it does, what it belches out is always a different option from the one you chose.

    And if it dispenses drinks, wherever you or it puts the cup, the liquid comes out somewhere else.

    And - this is a more general one - all written instructions are incomprehensible, but turn out to be correct if you read them again after you have worked out how to do it by guesswork.

  • Why, this is Heck, nor are we out of it...
  • Ketchup never comes out of the bottle until you tap it, and then the entire contents gush out all at once.
  • You curse and swear, and shake the bottle!
    First none'll come, and then a lot'll...
  • SipechSipech Shipmate
    On Heck, the eyeholes in your shoes are highly abrasive, resulting in the snapping of shoelaces once per month.
  • And the laces are made of a material that doesn't stay tied for longer than five minutes at a time.
  • PigletPiglet All Saints Host, Circus Host
    And the laces are made of a material that doesn't stay tied for longer than five minutes at a time.

    Just like Earth then.
  • Retired email scammers will be rewarded with luxury accommodation with servants and all the dope they can smoke. (See Hell dept in All Saints).
  • That sounds more like heaven to me. :smiley:

    In Heck, the dope would be of such an inferior quality so as to produce no high at all.
  • SipechSipech Shipmate
    In Heck, the dope would be of such an inferior quality so as to produce no high at all.

    That sounds like the edibles I tried in Amsterdam. Started with a weak biscuit, stayed in my hotel room. Absolutely nothing. Most expensive bland biscuits I ever bought.
  • That sounds more like heaven to me. :smiley:

    In Heck, the dope would be of such an inferior quality so as to produce no high at all.

    My theory is that the poor mugs (like me) that have been scammed will be gnashing their teeth at the scammers proving that crime does pay. There will probably be a lot of trump's henchmen there too.
  • And the fartletter-in-chief himself! But not in a luxury accommodation with servants.
  • PriscillaPriscilla Shipmate
    Tea will be served strong, lukewarm, and with sugar.
  • sionisaissionisais Shipmate
    And the coffee will be weak, with milk that should have been disposed of yesterday. Church strength.
  • PigletPiglet All Saints Host, Circus Host
    Priscilla wrote: »
    Tea will be served strong, lukewarm, and with sugar.

    Indeed - the exact opposite of how I like it!
  • Strong, unsweetened, and iced for me, please.
  • Strong, unsweetened, and iced for me, please.

    Thus ensuring that you'd never get it in Heck.
  • Or in many places in England, I suspect. :disappointed:

    In Heck, strawberries are always moldy.
  • SipechSipech Shipmate
    In Heck, when watching anything on the internet, you get the circle of buffering for 4 seconds once every 2 minutes. Not enough to cause you stop watching, but enough to mildly irritate.
  • sionisaissionisais Shipmate
    Or in many places in England, I suspect. :disappointed:

    In Heck, strawberries are always moldy.

    And the oranges will be very juicy and very sweet, but they will have no flavour.

  • RockyRogerRockyRoger Shipmate
    All biscuits, however they are dunked, will leave half of themseves in your hot drink.
  • The RogueThe Rogue Shipmate
    In Heck the bicycles have square wheels.
  • SipechSipech Shipmate
    The Rogue wrote: »
    In Heck the bicycles have square wheels.

    That's a bit harsh for Heck. I would posit that for bikes in Heck, the chain tends to come off once every 5 miles.
  • And the tires go flat with regularity.
  • SandemaniacSandemaniac Shipmate
    The Rogue wrote: »
    In Heck the bicycles have square wheels.

    And are all called Senna?
  • PigletPiglet All Saints Host, Circus Host
    The Rogue wrote: »
    In Heck the bicycles have square wheels.

    And are all called Senna?

    As in Pod? 😃
  • SandemaniacSandemaniac Shipmate
    Piglet wrote: »
    The Rogue wrote: »
    In Heck the bicycles have square wheels.

    And are all called Senna?

    As in Pod? 😃

    I knew someone would catch tbe reference!
  • The spell check program in Microsoft Heck is locked into the year 1500.
  • ChastMastr wrote: »
    I am reminded of some parts (and it's a really good show I should go back and finish) of a TV series called The Good Place, though I won't include spoilers about when the Heck-ish place shows up in the series.

    Brilliant series, and worth a watch for ideas for here.

    In heck, you have access to every piece of music ever written. But they are all interrupted not at a musical break, by an advert.
    Half of the adverts have Trump or Farage speaking.

    I think there is unlimited tea and coffee, hot and as milky and sweet as you want it. But they are both instant.

    The weather is lovely - warm but not too warm, and seasons so you also get a cold season, for those who prefer that.
    But whenever you go out, 20 minutes from home it starts raining.
  • PigletPiglet All Saints Host, Circus Host
    Even half of the adverts having those two would undoubtedly define it as Hell.
  • Wesley JWesley J Circus Host
    The Rogue wrote: »
    In Heck the bicycles have square wheels.
    That would actually work in some circumstances, e.g. downhill, see here (first few minutes). But not on flat ground.
  • Piglet wrote: »
    Even half of the adverts having those two would undoubtedly define it as Hell.

    OK, 10% of the adverts have their voices, but another 10% are the Gala Bingo sponsorship ads.

    Also, there are are only 30 adverts in total, so you keep hearing the same ones.

    There are cats, beautiful gorgeous cats. But they never let you get close ot them.

    There are all sorts of things going on, but all of them are just too far away for you to get to easily. When you do manage it, you cannot last to the end.

    Also, once a year, That Song by Billy Ray Cyrus plays just once. It is better than hell, where it is on permanant repeat.
  • SipechSipech Shipmate
    In Heck, the 2 hour laundry cycle takes 4.5 hours to finish. When it does, no matter how hot or dry the weather is, clothes always take 3 days to dry.
  • Wesley JWesley J Circus Host
    Sipech wrote: »
    In Heck, the 2 hour laundry cycle takes 4.5 hours to finish. When it does, no matter how hot or dry the weather is, clothes always take 3 days to dry.

    The third day, risen from the wet!
  • Also, if you don't bring them in the moment they are dry, there is a shower and they get wet again.
  • There is no whole milk to be had. All milk is the 2% variety or worse -- a/k/a milk-flavored water. And forget about cream.
  • DafydDafyd Hell Host
    They do have cream: the kind sprayed from an aerosol.
  • PigletPiglet All Saints Host, Circus Host
    Dafyd wrote: »
    They do have cream: the kind sprayed from an aerosol.

    "All puff and no poop" as my late father-in-law called it. :mrgreen:
  • You have a house and a car. You even have off-street parking. But the parking space is half an inch too narrow for you car.

    There is some on-street parking too - but the spaces available are always an inch too small to park in.
  • HarryCHHarryCH Shipmate
    The honey crystallizes in the jar and cannot be extracted.
  • And the hot water you'd set the jar in to make it re-liquefy is always skin temperature.
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