It's very important to have a 'safe word' when getting adventurous in the bedroom. Ours is 'meatloaf'. Basically I would do anything for love, but I won't do that.
It's very important to have a 'safe word' when getting adventurous in the bedroom. Ours is 'meatloaf'. Basically I would do anything for love, but I won't do that.
And you want her, and need her, but there ain't no way you're ever going to love her?
In the Second World War, a British boffin came up with a spiffing idea. Instead of using pigeons to send messages written on pieces of paper, he would train parrots, who would deliver the messages verbally. He was given a budget and told to train one parrot to see if his idea would work. A few months later, a load of bigwigs came down from London to see the test run.
"All you have to do is tell the parrot your message and it will fly to its base and deliver it." So they agreed the test - one of the senior bigwigs gave a secret verbal message to the parrot, which was then transported 5 miles and released.
Back at the base, the bigwigs waited.... And waited.....
After 4 hours of waiting, they got fed up, cancelled the project and went off fuming at the waste of time and money.
Two hours later, the pigeon walked through door. The boffin was furious and shouted "Where the hell have you been?"
The parrot looked up at him and said "It was such a lovely day, I decided to walk."
In a very far off future, Nicolas Sarkozy* dies and is greeted at the pearly gates. The Lord tells him he is going to let him spend two days in Heaven, then one in Hell, and after that he can choose where he wants to spend eternity.
Sarko starts his days in Heaven and the angel Gabriel shows him around. He asks for the program and Gabriel says "This morning we're praising the Lord, this afternoon we're praising the Lord, and in the evening we're praising the Lord again."
After two days he goes to see what Hell is like. He is greeted by Lucifer who tells him that the program is going to involve feasting off foie gras and caviar, drinking fine wines, smoking cigars and wild partying.
Sarko goes back up to Heaven to give his verdict. The Lord asks what he's chosen and he says, "All that praising the Lord is very well, but I really did have more fun in Hell, so I want to go there please."
He gets taken back down to Hell where Lucifer meets him with a pitchfork and flaming sulphur. "What happened to the party?" asks Sarko. "Ah," says Lucifer. "Yesterday I was campaigning. Now you've voted for me."
*you can substitute another politician of your choice
In a very far off future, Nicolas Sarkozy* dies and is greeted at the pearly gates. The Lord tells him he is going to let him spend two days in Heaven, then one in Hell, and after that he can choose where he wants to spend eternity.
Sarko starts his days in Heaven and the angel Gabriel shows him around. He asks for the program and Gabriel says "This morning we're praising the Lord, this afternoon we're praising the Lord, and in the evening we're praising the Lord again."
After two days he goes to see what Hell is like. He is greeted by Lucifer who tells him that the program is going to involve feasting off foie gras and caviar, drinking fine wines, smoking cigars and wild partying.
Sarko goes back up to Heaven to give his verdict. The Lord asks what he's chosen and he says, "All that praising the Lord is very well, but I really did have more fun in Hell, so I want to go there please."
He gets taken back down to Hell where Lucifer meets him with a pitchfork and flaming sulphur. "What happened to the party?" asks Sarko. "Ah," says Lucifer. "Yesterday I was campaigning. Now you've voted for me."
*you can substitute another politician of your choice
The version of the Sarko joke I heard was the "victim" was a newly qualified lawyer. At the end Satan said: "Yesterday we were recruiting you. Now you're staff".
Comments
And you want her, and need her, but there ain't no way you're ever going to love her?
Nothing, it just waved
Why was the beach wet?
Because the sea weed
No eye-deer
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? Still no idea.
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
Ground beef
YES
What do you call a man with a spade on his head?
What do you call a man without a spade on his head?
"All you have to do is tell the parrot your message and it will fly to its base and deliver it." So they agreed the test - one of the senior bigwigs gave a secret verbal message to the parrot, which was then transported 5 miles and released.
Back at the base, the bigwigs waited.... And waited.....
After 4 hours of waiting, they got fed up, cancelled the project and went off fuming at the waste of time and money.
Two hours later, the pigeon walked through door. The boffin was furious and shouted "Where the hell have you been?"
The parrot looked up at him and said "It was such a lovely day, I decided to walk."
(I'll get my hat...)
chocolate, caramel, and peanuts.
But I did not get a laugh out of it.
Not even a snicker.
The one who buys it doesn't need it
The one who needs it doesn't buy it
The one who makes it doesn't want it.
What is it?
Borrowed from BC comics 4/17/2026
First time I tried meditation, I feel asleep so fast I achieved inner peace by accident/.
First time I tried to follow a recipe, the smoke alarm went off--which was impressive since I had not turned on the stove yet.
Let's keep this first time sub-thread going....
Sarko starts his days in Heaven and the angel Gabriel shows him around. He asks for the program and Gabriel says "This morning we're praising the Lord, this afternoon we're praising the Lord, and in the evening we're praising the Lord again."
After two days he goes to see what Hell is like. He is greeted by Lucifer who tells him that the program is going to involve feasting off foie gras and caviar, drinking fine wines, smoking cigars and wild partying.
Sarko goes back up to Heaven to give his verdict. The Lord asks what he's chosen and he says, "All that praising the Lord is very well, but I really did have more fun in Hell, so I want to go there please."
He gets taken back down to Hell where Lucifer meets him with a pitchfork and flaming sulphur. "What happened to the party?" asks Sarko. "Ah," says Lucifer. "Yesterday I was campaigning. Now you've voted for me."
*you can substitute another politician of your choice
Superb!
First time I tried yoga, the instructor said, "Find your center." I found a Cheerio stuck in my belly button instead.
First time I used a smart fridge, it told me I was out of vegetables. Bold of it to assume I ever had any.
First time I submitted a paper, it came back marked "Interesting." Later I learned in academia it means "F" but politely.
First time submarine submerges.
Cognate with lady garden.