Bloke goes to the doctor with a strange set of symptoms. Doctor says "there are some tests I can do, but they're not covered by the NHS so they will cost"
"Don't care" the patient days "this itching is killing me!"
So the doctor rings a buzzer and a nurse with a Labrador comes in and lets the dog sniff him. It then does two short barks and a long growl, which the doctor notes down, and leaves.
Then he presses the buzzer again, the door opens, and a cat wanders in, rubs itself on the guy's legs, and lets out a "mwrrrr bip bip" noise, which the doctor notes down. Then the cat wanders over to a pile of cushions in the corner and goes to sleep, clearly exhausted.
"I know what's wrong now" the doctor says. He hands him some tablets and says "that'll" be £1,010 please".
The bloke is staggered "What are these? Solid gold?"
"No. The tablets are a tenner. But it's £500 for the cat scan and another £500 for the lab tests."
2 on f/b tonight, the first from the National Trust:
Come for the heritage, stay because you’ve forgotten where you parked your car.
And the second:
Sixteen sodium atoms walked into a bar followed by Batman.
It says something about me that I had to look up the other side of the joke. The real answer is that Dark Justiciars do not share information. That sort of thing leads to wanting to remember your childhood, sparing Selenite celestials, and apostasising.
It says something about me that I had to look up the other side of the joke. The real answer is that Dark Justiciars do not share information. That sort of thing leads to wanting to remember your childhood, sparing Selenite celestials, and apostasising.
Ah, but that's part of the joke - they put information on
SharPoint
safe in the knowledge that no one will ever look at it.
An elderly couple came into a McDonald's.
They sat at a table near some young people.
The man went to the counter to order some food.
He ordered a hamburger, some fries and a soda.
He brought it back to their table.
He unwrapped the hamburger, cut it in half, and gave one half to his wife.
He carefully counted out the fries, divided them, and gave his wife half of them.
He took two straws and added them to the drink so they could share.
The wife began to eat her half of the hamburger,
but the old man just watched.
Once it a while he would take a small sip from the drink.
But he just watched the old woman eat her food.
A young man approached.
He offered to order another sandwich for the couple.
But the old lady said, “No, thank you, but we share everything.”
The old couple continued to eat their meal.
Everyone watched.
Finally, the young man approached them again and offered to buy another meal.
This time the old man shook his head and said, “No, thank you, we really share everything.”
The young man persisted, “Well. What are you waiting for?”
“The teeth,” replied the old man.
A man told his friends that he was going to miss their regular Saturday golf outing, as he planned to spend the day tidying and cleaning his house, doing laundry and cooking dinner.
His friends asked him why he would do that, and he explained that things had gone off-the-boil in the bedroom with his wife. He had heard that the best way to boost a woman's libido was to make sure that she wasn't exhausted by bedtime, and so he was going to do all the housework on Saturday whilst his wife relaxed.
The next time his friends saw him, they were interested to know if the experiment had worked?
"No idea!" he replied. "By bedtime, I was too tired."
A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be eight again," she replied. So on the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear--everything there was! Wow!
Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Big Mac along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate milk-shake. Then it was off to the cinema - the latest Star Wars epic, and hot dogs, popcorn, Pepsi Cola, and ice-cream. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed.
He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being eight again?"
One eye opened. The wife said, "You idiot, I meant my dress size!"
An aged Rabbi decides he wants to taste pork before he dies. So he goes to a distant restaurant where he isn’t known, looks at menu and orders suckling pig. It is presented to him on a platter with an apple in the piglet’s mouth. At that moment the president of his synagogue enters. “This is terrible" he says, quite shocked, " What are you doing, Rabbi?" Thinking quickly, he explains, “I ordered a baked apple, and look what they brought me".
Last year, at Christmas, I bought a cemetery plot for my mother-in-law.
This year, I did not buy her anything.
When she asked me about it, I replied she had yet to use last year's gift.
And that's when the fight started...
I just found a cache of old e-mails from work at a time long ago when everyone was circulating tedious jokes...
---
A Texan went up to Canada to go ice fishing. He read up about it, bought the gear and headed out to a frozen lake. After setting up, he started to cut a hole in the ice.
Suddenly a voice from above boomed out, “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!”
Startled, he moved farther along the ice and started on another hole. Again, from the heavens the voice boomed out, “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!”
The Texan was getting worried, but moved along and tried once more. And again from above, “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!”
He stopped, looked upward and cried out, “Is that you, Lord?”
The voice replied, “No – I’m the ice arena manager!”
I just found a cache of old e-mails from work at a time long ago when everyone was circulating tedious jokes...
---
A Texan went up to Canada to go ice fishing. He read up about it, bought the gear and headed out to a frozen lake. After setting up, he started to cut a hole in the ice.
Suddenly a voice from above boomed out, “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!”
Startled, he moved farther along the ice and started on another hole. Again, from the heavens the voice boomed out, “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!”
The Texan was getting worried, but moved along and tried once more. And again from above, “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!”
He stopped, looked upward and cried out, “Is that you, Lord?”
The voice replied, “No – I’m the ice arena manager!”
Had to share this with one of my Texas friends.
----
Now another one:
If a Southern lady asks, "What did you just say?" She is not asking you to repeat yourself. She is asking if you are right with Jesus because you are about to meet him
Comments
"Don't care" the patient days "this itching is killing me!"
So the doctor rings a buzzer and a nurse with a Labrador comes in and lets the dog sniff him. It then does two short barks and a long growl, which the doctor notes down, and leaves.
Then he presses the buzzer again, the door opens, and a cat wanders in, rubs itself on the guy's legs, and lets out a "mwrrrr bip bip" noise, which the doctor notes down. Then the cat wanders over to a pile of cushions in the corner and goes to sleep, clearly exhausted.
"I know what's wrong now" the doctor says. He hands him some tablets and says "that'll" be £1,010 please".
The bloke is staggered "What are these? Solid gold?"
"No. The tablets are a tenner. But it's £500 for the cat scan and another £500 for the lab tests."
Come for the heritage, stay because you’ve forgotten where you parked your car.
And the second:
Sixteen sodium atoms walked into a bar followed by Batman.
The atomic symbol for Sodium is Na.
Still don't get it.
The theme for Batman is often written as "na na na na na na na na, na na na na na na na na, Batman!"
"Dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman!"
Moving on slightly, but staying in the 1970s:
Tonto saw the Lone Ranger on his horse carrying a dustbin and asked him where he was going
"To the dump; to the dump; to the dump dump dump"
Me neither. But I like the Covid joke as I tested positive yesterday!
Yes, it's the rhythm of Vader's theme tune.
Durham, Durham, Durham Durham Durham
There's a "theme" to these last few posts.
How do the Dark Justiciars share information?
Ah, but that's part of the joke - they put information on
What did the hanger say to the coat?
We need to hang out some time.
She hugged me.
A busker.
Had to look that up.
Aliens arrive on Earth and at a meeting with World leaders they get chatting to the Pope....
P: " Do you know of Jesus?”
A: “Of course we do. He visits regularly.”
P: “He’s only been here once. We are still awaiting His Second Coming!”
A: “Wow! When He came to us, we had a big party and gave Him our best chocolate to try. He loved it and keeps coming back. What did you guys do?"
My favorite cartoon villain?
What would you have if every car in the country was pink?
They sat at a table near some young people.
The man went to the counter to order some food.
He ordered a hamburger, some fries and a soda.
He brought it back to their table.
He unwrapped the hamburger, cut it in half, and gave one half to his wife.
He carefully counted out the fries, divided them, and gave his wife half of them.
He took two straws and added them to the drink so they could share.
The wife began to eat her half of the hamburger,
but the old man just watched.
Once it a while he would take a small sip from the drink.
But he just watched the old woman eat her food.
A young man approached.
He offered to order another sandwich for the couple.
But the old lady said, “No, thank you, but we share everything.”
The old couple continued to eat their meal.
Everyone watched.
Finally, the young man approached them again and offered to buy another meal.
This time the old man shook his head and said, “No, thank you, we really share everything.”
The young man persisted, “Well. What are you waiting for?”
“The teeth,” replied the old man.
A has-bean,
Don't worry, they will tell you.
His friends asked him why he would do that, and he explained that things had gone off-the-boil in the bedroom with his wife. He had heard that the best way to boost a woman's libido was to make sure that she wasn't exhausted by bedtime, and so he was going to do all the housework on Saturday whilst his wife relaxed.
The next time his friends saw him, they were interested to know if the experiment had worked?
"No idea!" he replied. "By bedtime, I was too tired."
A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be eight again," she replied. So on the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear--everything there was! Wow!
Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Big Mac along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate milk-shake. Then it was off to the cinema - the latest Star Wars epic, and hot dogs, popcorn, Pepsi Cola, and ice-cream. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed.
He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being eight again?"
One eye opened. The wife said, "You idiot, I meant my dress size!"
Why did the vegan cross the road?
To tell the chicken they were vegan
In the arkhives
A cowculator
An ace lumberjack in the Canadian west was asked where he learned to work so much harder and faster than anyone else.
"In Saudi Arabia" he replied.
"But there aren't any trees in Saudi Arabia" said his questioner.
"Not any more".
Last year, at Christmas, I bought a cemetery plot for my mother-in-law.
This year, I did not buy her anything.
When she asked me about it, I replied she had yet to use last year's gift.
And that's when the fight started...
---
A Texan went up to Canada to go ice fishing. He read up about it, bought the gear and headed out to a frozen lake. After setting up, he started to cut a hole in the ice.
Suddenly a voice from above boomed out, “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!”
Startled, he moved farther along the ice and started on another hole. Again, from the heavens the voice boomed out, “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!”
The Texan was getting worried, but moved along and tried once more. And again from above, “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!”
He stopped, looked upward and cried out, “Is that you, Lord?”
The voice replied, “No – I’m the ice arena manager!”
Had to share this with one of my Texas friends.
----
Now another one:
If a Southern lady asks, "What did you just say?" She is not asking you to repeat yourself. She is asking if you are right with Jesus because you are about to meet him