Secrets of a Long and Happy Marriage
North East Quine
Purgatory Host
in All Saints
My husband and I are part of a group of couples who have been asked to contribute a paragraph each on the topic The secrets of success to our long and happy marriage. as part of a "how-to" guide.
We are stumped. We could just go for well-worn advice such as "Don't go to sleep on an argument" but that's not advice we follow ourselves.
I think we "get" each other in the sense that we have a fundamental understanding of each other, and a knowledge that we both mean well. Perhaps "Always believe the best of one another"?
Shipmates, what secrets to a long and happy marriage would you impart to the younger generation embarking on marriages on their own?
We are stumped. We could just go for well-worn advice such as "Don't go to sleep on an argument" but that's not advice we follow ourselves.
I think we "get" each other in the sense that we have a fundamental understanding of each other, and a knowledge that we both mean well. Perhaps "Always believe the best of one another"?
Shipmates, what secrets to a long and happy marriage would you impart to the younger generation embarking on marriages on their own?
Comments
We've been together since 1983 and married since 1999. We do have our ups and downs but most people seem to see us as a model of a happy marriage. Sharing a sense of humour definetely helps too.
The second one has to do with showing mercy. Be the person they can confess fuck-ups to and know that you won't come back with immediate anger and judgement, generally speaking.
Yes. Well, I'm 79, so far, so good. I didn't say intercourse.
I think that telling people how much sex they should be having rarely works out well.
I have always said to him that when I am wrong, I will admit it.
And I still hold to that. As soon as I am, I will…
Mr F and I have been together (if not always married) for 40 years. I particularly remember an early date, coming up Leith Walk in a taxi reciting in unison Chesterton's Lepanto. So shared - if obscure - tastes.
I would echo what @Sarasa said about a shared sense of humour; one of the first things I realised about David (long before we were an item) was that he made me laugh, and I still miss that. Our version of Firenze and Mr F's Chesterton would be spontaneously bursting into Gilbert & Sullivan, often while doing the Grauniad crossword. I still find myself thinking, when I come across certain crossword clues, "David would have sung such-and-such a song when he saw that clue!".
We were friends before we became an item, and I think that's important too - I can truthfully say I married my best friend.
It’s important to know where each other is coming from, so understanding their personal history, and having each other’s backs.
One secret? Separate bedrooms! Still get the cuddles with a bit more spice + good sleep all round.
Key points in staying together have been trusting each other, and supporting each other through difficult times. Having a lot of common interests helps as well! (as does being willing to listen & learn when the other is going on about a subject they love which you know nothing about).
Our house isn’t big enough for us to have separate bedrooms! I think Mr Heavenly would be offended by the suggestion.
Best friends, common interests, especially our Christian faith, but above all a firm commitment to each other. Without it we would not have survived the various difficulties we encountered, both jointly and individually.
In any disagreement or argument, always assume goodwill on the part of the other. Never make it "you vs me" but always "us vs the problem." (obvs. things may get to a point where this doesn't work and it's time to lawyer up)
Don't criticize the way your spouse does things unless you're willing to take over the task (that's how I became the official dishwasher loader).
Let the sun go down on an argument. The tireder you get the worse your reasoning skills and charity and patience get.
Do not tell your spouse what to do. You can ask, you can plead, you can make your case. But you are not in a position to order your spouse around. If that doesn't work for you, you don't want a spouse you want a slave.
Don't expect mind-reading. If you want something, tell them. For us this includes wanting them to "ooh and aah" over something you did. We literally will say, "I need you to come ooh and aah about how I spread the mulch in the front yard." Because the person might not notice, and then you'll what? Get all upset? Why do that when you can just ASK for what you WANT?
Minor point of correction: I'm aware of at least one LCMS pastor whose wife has been RC from the beginning (probably 50 years by now).
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonour others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
I’m going to confess to being wary of things that purport to be secrets of success to happy marriages in general, because I think there are very few things that always apply beyond basic love, respect and trust. It’s a different thing when, as @North East Quine said in the OP, it’s about he success of our marriage, or a marriage. People are different, and couples are different. Things that have made the marriages of some people I know successful would not be a recipe for success in my marriage, and vice versa. That’s not a matter of doing things the right way or the wrong way, but rather a matter of simply being different people.
On a similar note, my wife and I have only ever had one argument.
It is now into its third decade...
See this morning's discussion about how a batting average is calculated!
I should also add that it helps to always be able to find the right button to make her hot in the morning.
It's the big red one on the kettle.
We have separate bedrooms, and I love having my own space, but unlike Sarasa and Boogie, I don't think it enhances a marriage. We tend to go to bed at different times, and get up at different times, so we don't have our last drink of the evening, or breakfast together. When we shared a bedroom, we were far more "in-synch" with each other.
We do sit down together for a home cooked dinner (or occasionally take away) every night, so I think I'll include "eating together" as a positive.
A shared sense of humour is another good point. We definitely have that.
Originally posted by mousethief:
Don't criticize the way your spouse does things unless you're willing to take over the task (that's how I became the official dishwasher loader).
I couldn't disagree more on that one. I should be the sole dishwasher loader, if I don't like clearing the filter after my husband has, yet again, absent-mindedly put cardboard through the dishwasher? I don't think so. I'm going to go on criticising him for that!
If the glove fits ...
With humour like that, you are guaranteed spousal longevity.
Fifty years ago, things were a little more liberal for the LCMS, as you well know. Things have gotten tighter. They also may have been married after he was ordained, and he likely had to have the permission of the district president. I know I would not have been able to be ordained if we were of different faiths.
For both of us it has taken hard work and determination .
We have pretty much the same world views.
We both like travelling together and eating food of variety of cultures. She often used to tell people she married me because I can cook. We both have our own repertoire of the things we cook.
We both volunteer, but in different areas.
We have different tastes in music.
She is very interested in houses and architecture, and I am not.
We start the day with doing a cryptic crossword together, and then having breakfast at the top of our garden.
We share the cooking, cleaning, washing and ironing, though I don't notice so quickly when house cleaning needs doing.
I participate in a religious community and she, the daughter of a minister, doesn't.
I doubt that any of this gives insight into having a long and happy marriage, but it's as much as I can say.
Kindness always works for me in any family connection, friendship or partnership of any duration. Kindness, patience and the blessed ability to see the funny side of tricky situations.