As we are into bad rude jokes .... the story goes that an old lady's two beloved pet dogs died and she took them to a taxidermist . "Do you want them mounted?" he asked her. "goodness gracious" she replied, "just holding hands".
I was holding a Paul Newman Salad Dressing jar
when my granddaughter asked who was Paul Newman.
I explained Paul Newman was the heart throb of her great grandmother's generation
like Brad Pitt.
She asked who is Brad Pitt.
I will be at the senior center
eating my applesauce.
A Rottweiler, German Shepherd and Alaskan Malamute were having a drink together at a bar. The Rottie looked up and said, "God told me I was the most handsome and most powerful dog out there." The German Shephard looked up and said, "God told me I was the bravest dog out there. The Malamute looked up and said, "I don't remember saying that."
Chap at my folk club had started his second can of lager and said "I'm doing dry January" and pointed to the empty can; "there's a dry one".
Lager at a folk club?!
That's either stretching credulity or the world really is going to Hell in a hand-cart.
You're right it should be cask conditioned real ale -and sometimes it is at the folk club I go to that meets in the Guide Dog pub. But the folk club I run meets in a church coffee lounge and people bring their own drinks.
Now if someone wanted to start a thread on folk clubs...!
A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easily.
So, the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game. The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun ...
"I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5.00.
Then, you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00," he says.
This catches the senior's attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game with him. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?"
The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references and, he can't find on the Inter-Net. He sends E-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up. He wakes the senior and hands him $500.00.
The senior pockets the $500.00 and goes right back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts now, not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up again and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four??"
The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
Mrs Gramps says that's not funny. She is wondering where I am getting my jokes. I told her I am getting my jokes from a British message board. She then understood. But she still says it is not funny.
Mrs Gramps says that's not funny. She is wondering where I am getting my jokes. I told her I am getting my jokes from a British message board. She then understood. But she still says it is not funny.
Maybe she doesn't know the rhyme? Is it just a British thing?
From Wikki:
'The song is attributed to Thomas d'Urfey for an opera in 1706, before existing as a folk song in Great Britain, Ireland, and North America for hundreds of years in various forms then finally being standardised in the twentieth century'.
Comments
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Australia is already in 2026,
Europe is still in 2025,
and the USA is currently in 1940.
You are a vile and filthy person.
Given that I (a) knew exactly which clip it was and (b) laughed like a drain I guess I'm vile and filthy too.
If ever they pump the Ship's bilges, a whole lot of us will be sluiced overboard and the owners will be facing marine environmental offence charges..
"The funeral for the man who invented Tupperware has been delayed until they can find the right lid for his coffin.”
Does Philomena Cunk have a sister called Ophelia?
The middle of a conference was a *bad* moment to check the Ship!
when my granddaughter asked who was Paul Newman.
I explained Paul Newman was the heart throb of her great grandmother's generation
like Brad Pitt.
She asked who is Brad Pitt.
I will be at the senior center
eating my applesauce.
really missed an opportunity to call them
substitooths.
...
Their gender went up to 11.
...
toes-ty
GROAN!
Sounds weird, dozen tit?
A French artist once painted a portrait of a lady with five breasts. He called it 'Sanctity'.
Terrible... that really is a certifiably bad joke.
(You can substitute a cat for the Malamute.)
Crew Member: Weightlessness?
Starship Captain: No, Gravy.
Just sold my homing pigeon on Ebay for the 22nd time.
And the Good ol boys were drinking Whisky an Dry...
PS love your homing pigeon joke, Gramps
Grav it y minus it
=gravy
It's bad!
Lager at a folk club?!
That's either stretching credulity or the world really is going to Hell in a hand-cart.
You're right it should be cask conditioned real ale -and sometimes it is at the folk club I go to that meets in the Guide Dog pub. But the folk club I run meets in a church coffee lounge and people bring their own drinks.
Now if someone wanted to start a thread on folk clubs...!
Told by a fourth grader.
Why did the sock cross the road?
It was on the chicken's foot.
He: Have you seen the dog bowl?
She: No - never knew he could.
- Goodness he must be incredibly clever
- I wouldn't say that, I win against him two times out of three
"Shall we invite our cousins from the forest?" said one little pig.
"Oh certainly not," replied his brother,
Coat?
So, the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game. The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun ...
"I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5.00.
Then, you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00," he says.
This catches the senior's attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game with him. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?"
The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references and, he can't find on the Inter-Net. He sends E-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up. He wakes the senior and hands him $500.00.
The senior pockets the $500.00 and goes right back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts now, not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up again and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four??"
The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
clever!!
Took me a while to get that one!
Just read the vowels aloud to yourself.
I had to send this to a bunch of my friends! We all laughed and thought it very clever!
The highway of life has too many flattened squirrels
who could not decide which way to go.
Maybe she doesn't know the rhyme? Is it just a British thing?
'The song is attributed to Thomas d'Urfey for an opera in 1706, before existing as a folk song in Great Britain, Ireland, and North America for hundreds of years in various forms then finally being standardised in the twentieth century'.