The Science of Siblings
Gramps49
Shipmate
in Epiphanies
Several people complimented me on my family. I am real proud of my _The study of sibling relationships and their influence on how we think or act is still relatively new. Researching it isn't easy because no two families are alike. Variations like gender, age gap or the number of siblings can really matter, makinfamily. My kids really get along with each other. During our reunion they had a great time playing games, teasing each other and reminiscing about growing up.
When my mother died, they all came to her funeral and went with us to scatter her ashes along with dad's and a brother's ashes in a mountain meadow they used to camp in.
Contrast this to my brother's kids. While they came to the funeral, they did not come to the scattering of the ashes.
At the time, two of my kids lived in Northwest Washington. One lived in Portland, Oregon, the other lived in Wisconsin. They all came to southern Idaho at great cost to them. While my brother's kids lived only two hours away from the site where we scattered their grandmother, grandfather and uncle's ashes.
Now three of my kids live in Northwest Washington. The other still lives in Portland. They are working at him moving to Northwest Washington too as well as Mrs Gramps and I moving out there too.
This all has gotten me to think about how we all relate to our siblings. While some are quite close, others are very distant.
I know with my brothers we were of the distant variety. The first brother was just two years younger than me. I think the folks tried to raise us as twins. We got matching pairs of everything. That caused some resentment on my part. The rivalry was intentness. While my second brother and I were close when he was growing up, but he later developed alcoholism which caused a deep split between us.
My kids also had their moments. It seemed like the oldest two tended to gang up on the third one. Mrs, Gramps recalled a time when the oldest two ducked taped the third one to a post outside. When number three got lose, he called my wife and complained. She basically told him to stand up for himself. Number four was born much later and was practically a second family to us.
All four of them became artists in their own right. Number one is a great singer. 2 was a wicked drummer, 3 and 4 have been actors.
When we got home from our trip, we heard a story on NPR about the Science of Siblings. This will be an ongoing series, I think. The main thrust of the first story is
NOGUCHI: The study of sibling relationships and their influence on how we think or act is still relatively new. Researching it isn't easy because no two families are alike. Variations like gender, age gap or the number of siblings can really matter, making comparisons difficult and conclusions harder to draw. Take birth order, for example. Some earlier studies suggested that might influence personality. But most studies have not borne that out. Shawn Whiteman, who studies human development at Utah State University, says what is clear from sibling research is this.
Full story here
What was the relationship with your siblings like when you were growing up. if you had any? What is it like now? How do you see your progeny's relationship like with their siblings?
What would you like to contribute to the Science of Siblings?
When my mother died, they all came to her funeral and went with us to scatter her ashes along with dad's and a brother's ashes in a mountain meadow they used to camp in.
Contrast this to my brother's kids. While they came to the funeral, they did not come to the scattering of the ashes.
At the time, two of my kids lived in Northwest Washington. One lived in Portland, Oregon, the other lived in Wisconsin. They all came to southern Idaho at great cost to them. While my brother's kids lived only two hours away from the site where we scattered their grandmother, grandfather and uncle's ashes.
Now three of my kids live in Northwest Washington. The other still lives in Portland. They are working at him moving to Northwest Washington too as well as Mrs Gramps and I moving out there too.
This all has gotten me to think about how we all relate to our siblings. While some are quite close, others are very distant.
I know with my brothers we were of the distant variety. The first brother was just two years younger than me. I think the folks tried to raise us as twins. We got matching pairs of everything. That caused some resentment on my part. The rivalry was intentness. While my second brother and I were close when he was growing up, but he later developed alcoholism which caused a deep split between us.
My kids also had their moments. It seemed like the oldest two tended to gang up on the third one. Mrs, Gramps recalled a time when the oldest two ducked taped the third one to a post outside. When number three got lose, he called my wife and complained. She basically told him to stand up for himself. Number four was born much later and was practically a second family to us.
All four of them became artists in their own right. Number one is a great singer. 2 was a wicked drummer, 3 and 4 have been actors.
When we got home from our trip, we heard a story on NPR about the Science of Siblings. This will be an ongoing series, I think. The main thrust of the first story is
NOGUCHI: The study of sibling relationships and their influence on how we think or act is still relatively new. Researching it isn't easy because no two families are alike. Variations like gender, age gap or the number of siblings can really matter, making comparisons difficult and conclusions harder to draw. Take birth order, for example. Some earlier studies suggested that might influence personality. But most studies have not borne that out. Shawn Whiteman, who studies human development at Utah State University, says what is clear from sibling research is this.
SHAWN WHITEMAN: Siblings matter. They matter above and beyond our parents. They matter above and beyond our peers.
NOGUCHI: They matter because siblings are often our first peers. We might idolize them or fight with them. But either way, through them we learn how to relate to others.
WHITEMAN: It's this really natural laboratory. We learn how to interact with others. We learn how to fight (laughter) and negotiate.
Full story here
What was the relationship with your siblings like when you were growing up. if you had any? What is it like now? How do you see your progeny's relationship like with their siblings?
What would you like to contribute to the Science of Siblings?
Comments
When her son was born I was determined to put in the work, one because I couldn't slack off, being the only sibling/Aunt and also that I thought that whatever my feelings were from childhood, none of that was the fault of my nephew and he needed all the love and security we could give (his parents separated when he was 2). Likewise when our son was ill sister and nephew did visit the hospital and I remember very clearly my sister bringing me a pillow, a t-shirt and some underwear as in the mad panic post his transfer to a major hospital, husband had not packed enough, or the right things. Sister to the rescue.
Hopefully we have matured a bit, and during our Dad's period of ill health and since his death we worked well together to get the estate sorted and everything completed with minimal friction. I think we are conscious that when our Dad's sister goes, that we will be the only 2 left from our family of origin and I think that makes us a bit kinder to one another than we would have been as children.
I always enjoy seeing her, but because of her highly active and busy nature, I can only manage a day or so with her, before I need to retreat to my quieter less physical lifestyle.
He was also widely known by the teachers at school as my younger brother (that's a shitty thing to do to kids - he is his own human, with his own personality, abilities, and interests, and not just a smaller version of me) and perhaps as a consequence did everything he could to distinguish himself from me - he refused to wear the sorts of clothes that I wore, he refused to like music that I liked, and so on.
When I went to university, all this stopped: I came home at Christmas to see him wearing clothes he refused to countenance six months earlier.
We both suck at communication, and we live on different continents, so we don't talk much. But he's my brother, and I'll do anything for him if he needs it.
When we were both at grammar school, in the evening she would suddenly announce
“ I’m going to bed” and would disappear, leaving her homework all over the table for Mum to clear away. Next morning there would be shouts of “ Who’s stolen my pen? Where is my Science book?”. She was very clever and usually came top of the class, but never managed to complete her university course, though she did get an Open University degree.
Unfortunately my sister developed mental health problems which affected her on and off from the age of 15. She has been living in a Home for many years now and is in a poor state of health now. She still refers to our childhood a lot, so has good memories of it. I sometimes realise I am the only person who can validate her memories.
I think I developed a certain resilience and independence from quite a young age because I knew I had to stand on my own feet as my parents’ time and energies were concentrated on my sister. I was sad that they never spent Christmas with me and my family, always with her, until the year she went into full time care. I hosted them for one Christmas before they died.
I am the youngest of 8 children (only by 20 minutes; I have a twin brother who was born first). I have always felt like myself and my 2 nearest brothers were a different generation to my older siblings and technically we are, as the younger 3 are generation x and the older 5 boomers. My nearest sister is 6 years older and this seemed like a world apart growing up. I had a closer friendship with my eldest niece, who was 6 years younger than me. It is unsurprising that the only siblings to leave our home town are myself and the brother 3 years older. This means I am physically distant from my family, many of whom have families of their own, and only see them at celebrations and funerals. But we pull together when disaster happens such as one of my brother’s being widowed last year.
Relationships were also complicated by my two oldest sisters having a lot of responsibility for myself and my twin growing up and my earliest memories are of them playing games with me, taking me to the park and cinema. My eldest sister once referred to me as ‘that child’ on the phone to my housemate when I was about 27 years old. She also decided to choose the outfit my mother was wearing to take me down the aisle on my wedding day, without asking me. Happily, the years have broken this age gap down and she now treats me as an adult and we are growing closer as we get older.
There are many advantages of being the youngest child in a large family. My younger years were relatively care free as I was never part of any decision making and this has left me with a chilled attitude towards life and what it throws at me (despite my later diagnosis of bipolar disorder). I am very much a ‘water off a duck’s back’ personality and don’t bear grudges. When my mother was dying it was my older sister who did all the organising and paperwork and I did the compassionate bit, holding her hand when she died, etc, which is more my skill set as a nurse. I am also a born diplomat with good people skills, and can read people like books, which I am sure was helped by negotiating diverse personalities as a child.
Growing older I have a sense of foreboding for the future though. My two oldest sisters are older than my father was when he died, though they are still in reasonably good health. My third sibling almost died of a stroke a few years ago and has vascular dementia. Already I can see clouds on the horizon.
*Both weddings were to the same man, three months apart- the first was a Scottish wedding, the second an Indian wedding in England; kilts, claymores and a ceilidh, saris, mehndi and gurba dancing - their union has been well and truly and joyously celebrated!
By contrast, my wife's siblings have always been very close and still live in the town where they grew up. I think I would find it very strange if we moved there.
My papa was very much a child of victorian parents: children should be seen and not heard until they were of an age/stage of intellectual development that they could contribute usefully and intelligently. However, when he was with us he was warm and loving, and as he aged, especially after he and our mother divorced, he unbent and was far more openly affectionate. Our mama, although a decade younger, really wasn't interested in children at all other than two who were favourites for a spell - she was really remarkably distant. My father's parents funded a nanny for us (she was lovely) and, with a rotating number of au pairs, she brought us up.
Although we went to "good" schools (scholarships or bursaries), the attitude was very much that the girls should marry and so they did. My oldest sister married at 20 and vanished off to Scotland: we exchange Christmas cards and meet only at the occasional funeral - no weddings on her side because she is childless. The second married at 21 to a rather priggish barrister, then left him for a succession of companions before settling for a frustrated thespian: again, childless and we have no contact because she "doesn't do the bourgeois family schtick". The third sister married after cohabiting with her lovely partner for over 20 years, then moved to the USA where they decided to split up: I see her from time to time. The youngest (an 8 year gap between us) was the only child in whom our mother showed any interest: they have led a life beset with addiction problems, drink and drugs. I have no idea where they are and nor have my other siblings or any other relatives.
I am the only one who has had children - twin boys, plus I have 2 step children. My father was very close to my sons but died before they reached secondary school age.
Bloody families!!!!!
They argue, they go off in a huff with each other, I keep the lines of communication open, have convivial chats with my sister-in-law, they come out of their respective snits, my sister-in-law drops me like a hot potato, she and my husband have a great relationship until they argue.... rinse, repeat, rinse, repeat.